As I got older (and bigger) I came to one conclusion: fat looks better dark! Therefore, as summer approaches, I get anxious about wearing my shorts (let alone swimsuit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you’ve never had a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!

Step One: Call ahead to make an appointment. Decide when to go based on when the store is least busy (as if no one knows the tan is fake).

Step Two: The “Tanning Technician” tells me to exfoliate and not to use lotions or makeup.

Step Three: Decide to shower right before your date. Exfoliate.

Step Four: Get out of the tub.

Step Five: Realize that you have a lot of HAIR (below and around the places to be spray tanned) and get back in the tub.

Step Six: Shave the places you can’t see. He is impressed with my ability to stretch and fold like a pretzel. I wonder if there is enough hair to donate to “Locks of Love”.

Step Seven: I wonder if what my two-year-old just witnessed will mark her for life.

Step Eight: Go to the tanning salon sans lotion or makeup (resist the urge to itch immediately after shaving and feel a new “hairless rear”).

Step Nine: Act like I’m not uncomfortable as I undress down to my thong. Feel good about the decision to shave (places below).

Step Ten: Put on a silly shower cap.

Step Eleven: Try not to make eye contact with the “spray tan lady” as the actual act of spraying another naked person is quite uncomfortable.

Step Twelve: Clap your hands silently inside while she doesn’t ask me to “bend over” to spray the royal butt (white tan line doesn’t bother me!).

Step Thirteen: I wonder if the “Tanning Technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my butt are a real map.

Step Fourteen: Pretend you don’t notice that she has to go over your buttocks about 5 times (while all other areas did it once).

Step Fifteen – Pretend it’s not uncomfortable as you pull your legs up to make sure there are no “bikini line” tan lines.

Step Sixteen: Let things dry. Grab the board the minute it dries and dance in front of the mirror with your shower cap on after the tanning lady leaves the room.

Step Seventeen – Get out of the tanning room and pretend that me and that tanning girl are probably married in some countries (considering the things she’s seen!)

Step Eighteen: Put back all the tanning solutions on the shelves that my two year old has removed.

Step Nineteen: Remove the “palm tree” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).

Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again, “Yeah, even fat girls look better tanned!”

Step twenty-one: Look fabulous with a spray tan without the risk of the sun!

Step Twenty-Two: Tell everyone about the experience I had and certainly encourage them to go through the same things I had to go through!