Sometimes I hear from wives who want to know “the secret” that separated wives use to get their husbands to come home. I often hear comments like, “What do these women do to get their estranged husbands to come home voluntarily? They must be doing something I’m not doing. Because in my mind, I’ve tried everything, but my husband isn’t even remotely interested in back home”. I heard a wife say, “My husband and I separated about the same time our neighbors separated. My neighbor and I often had dinner together and discussed strategies. Well, your husband came home last weekend ready to work things out.” and mine continues to live far away from me and shows no signs of returning. What did she do that I didn’t? Because when I ask her this, she says that she can’t pin down anything she said or did. she said her husband seemed ready to come home. What is she doing that I’m not here? I need to know how all these wives get their husbands back home so I can do the same things because I miss him and need him here.”

He could completely understand that this wife needed answers. I myself broke up a few years ago and was absolutely desperate for answers. She was willing to try anything to get my husband back home. And sometimes, I feel like that’s part of the problem. As I struggled to find answers, my desperation got the better of me and I jumped at trying different things and changing behaviors, which ultimately made things worse.

I think sometimes the husband is ready to come home or just realizes it. But I think other times, there are things that some wives can do to encourage her husband to come home a little earlier. Through research, I learned some of these methods that really helped me, and I’ll share some of them now.

Some wives bring up the idea that their husband has something significant to come home to: This is common sense, but it is often overlooked. In order for her husband to return home, she will often need to believe that her quality of life with you at home will be much better than her quality of life without you. Sometimes this is not very difficult because her husband is having bad experiences or feelings while he is away. But other times, this can be a little more difficult because, even if the husband is not completely happy away, she can avoid the conflict and drama of home life when the future of her marriage is uncertain.

Getting home sometimes leaves you with a question mark. And since you can’t see into the future, you’ll often rely on past behavior. If the past leaves you with a lot to work through, then you will need to rebuild trust and allow him to see how or why things may change when he comes home. You must believe that things are going to be better at home not just in the short or long term. Sometimes this takes time and requires you to carefully lay the groundwork.

You want to be patient, understanding, and easy to approach and talk to. If the two of you argue when you’re together (or even argue about coming home), it’s understandable that he might have second thoughts about moving on and coming home. After all, if they can’t get along now, what’s going to change once he comes home?

Separated wives who push their husbands home often cultivate a fun new dynamic between them: Many wives whose husbands are eventually drawn back will admit that they were able to put their fear aside, at least while their husband was around. They were able to keep things light-hearted and positive, even if they didn’t always feel that way deep down inside. They did this because they knew that when things were going well with her husband, he was more willing to see or interact with them in the future. They also knew that keeping things light and fun would help neutralize what was already a stressful situation. They suspected that focusing on fear and uncertainty would only make things worse.

I know firsthand that this is sometimes difficult to achieve. Sometimes, you feel anything but optimistic, and you really have to look at the big picture so you don’t give in to your negative feelings and make things worse. But in the end, it’s worth it. As my attitude improved, our relationship improved. And my husband was more willing to spend time with me. And since he was more willing to spend time with me, I made every encounter count so that things kept getting better and better.

Successful wives don’t try to rush or pressure their husbands to come home before he is really ready: Here is one last important point. When things are going well, it’s extremely easy to be tempted to suggest that her husband come home the moment her situation improves. Sometimes this is a mistake. It is often best if she can wait for her to suggest that she is ready to come home. At the very least, make sure he’s excited and willing before you suggest it. Because, if you suggest it to him soon, he might think that your cheerful and easy-going attitude was only meant to get him home. You may be worried that once he gives up and comes home, you’ll stop acting out. And this is the last thing you want. She wants him to not only believe that things are going to change and improve, he wants it to be true so that their marriage will not only reconcile, last long term, and make both of them happy.