There is one in every crowd. Sometimes, there’s a whole wasteland of mules that no matter how much you drink, you can’t drain those donkeys. They do things like they own the sports bar. Screaming on the big screen, stomping their feet on the floor when they don’t like a call, yelling play-for-play into their iPhone, and just generally being completely goofy.

They are the villains of the comic series “Sports Bar Superheroes, Number 6”.

Game rules

Are you the idiot we’re talking about? Let’s get down to the playbook and lay down some rules to prevent you from becoming a frown when you visit the sanctuary known as a sports bar.

• Rule 1: Jackassery affects things.

Having your stylist shave your team logo off your head does not show loyalty to the players. It just means you live in a cage with no classes. The same goes for face painting. Save that for the ballpark when there’s a good chance a teevee camera will show your goofy mug to the planet. Keep your firearms at home, you’ll gouge your eye out. Obscenities. Bad. Children could be there with their parents. Mom and Dad are more likely to spill their drink in your general direction if they hear you use the Biblical term for “fudge.”

• Rule 2: Celebrate in style.

Too many high fives and chest thumps are for sissies. That’s not to say you can’t go a little crazy when your team wins. But you’re more likely to get elbowed in the gut by loud “hoo-ha” every minute or so from someone bigger than you who’s had enough of your crap. And “raise the roof” is so ’90s.

• Rule 3: Never use ESPN as a source for quotes.

Here are a couple of the worst quotes on the net:

or “Tried to gain 25 pounds of muscle. Looks like 25 pounds of Molson.” — Pat Quinn, hockey player Dan Gratton
or “You know the old saying, ‘no man is an island.’ Well, Stanley comes close.” — Pat Williams, on Magic center Stanley Roberts

Avoid anything that comes out of the mouth of an ESPN commentator. Even silly nicknames that originated before they hooked up their first camera, like “Charlie Hustle,” “The Great One,” or “Sweetness.” Never name a child Chris Berman.

• Rule 4: Only losers cheer alone.

Actually sitting in the stands, go ahead. Cheers to everyone for your little loner. But in a sports bar… man, don’t you have pride?

• Rule 5: Jerseys – not the State, the clothes.

Why in God’s name would you ever wear a jersey with someone else’s name and number on it? I move on to something more sophisticated. Get a team jersey. There’s nothing wrong with giving one of those away. Wearing a Peyton Manning Colts jersey is fun and jokes with you.

• Rule 6: The referee can’t hear you, so stop yelling at him.

Best practice: Set a limit for your taunts. Four times a game is enough. Also try directing it towards your friends in a civil voice. That way, you can determine who are really defenders and not opponents. Big no-no: Too much complaining during the last two minutes of the game means you have to order a milk and put down the beer.

• Rule 7: Keep your fantasy team members out of the convo.

We don’t know them; they’re not in the sports bar with you and basically who gives a rat’s ass about your funky dream world. Likewise, no one is going to buy you a plate of wings because you just lost your BMW to your bookie.

• Rule 8: Eat, drink and be careful with excesses.

At the sports bar, you’re surrounded by people who like what you like, no matter what team you’re rooting for. Grab a plate of grilled rib eye, some ice cold beer, and don’t become Doctor Doom from the Fantastic Four comics. Although DD saved Captain America from drowning. There is no fatality for you.