Saving your marriage with two willing people can seem daunting and overwhelming at times. But saving your marriage when one spouse is not participating and has said some very hurtful things can seem downright impossible. A wife may be dealing with a marriage where both parties have said hurtful things that have caused resentment, hurt feelings, and a sense of hopelessness. In this type of situation, it can be difficult to determine where to start.

A wife might say, “I admit that while my husband and I have been fighting during our separation, I have said some pretty mean things to him. I feel frustrated because I feel like he doesn’t care. He has the luxury of dressing up and deciding what he wants. So yes, in my frustration, I’ve called him selfish. But even before we parted ways, he was saying really hurtful things to me. “For example, he said I sold him a list of assets when we were boyfriends She said he was dating a fun, laid back girl who was slim and healthy. But then after he married me, he got uptight and too…a serious person who was overweight. He acts like he cheated on him on purpose and then changed my personality out of spite. He doesn’t realize that people naturally mature and change over time. He even called me ‘fat’ once. And he said that he thinks I enjoy making him unhappy. These are low blows. But we have children to think about. So I have asked him if he thinks it will be possible to save our marriage. His response was that he doesn’t know, but he thinks it’s best to go with the flow right now. He is quite aloof and cold. Despite this, he would like to save my marriage for the sake of my children. But when I mention this to my sister or friends, they both ask me why I would want to stay in a marriage with someone who has said hurtful things to me. I see your point. Are the hurtful words an indication that you can’t or shouldn’t save your marriage?”

I’m not a counselor, but in my unprofessional opinion, that depends. If your spouse has a habit of saying hurtful things to you no matter if he is angry or if you are fighting, then this is problematic because it shows a pattern of cruelty or lack of empathy. If he says mean things just to hurt you without considering your feelings and the relationship is constantly toxic, then I’d like to see some changes before I make a long-term commitment.

That said, it’s very common for both people to say some pretty awful things in the middle of a fight or during a breakup. Emotions can run incredibly high. Both spouses can say things they deeply regret and then feel incredibly ashamed and regretful. I know this was the case during my own breakup. We both said really lame things to each other. I wish I could get them back, but I can’t. Her husband may also feel this way. It really comes down to the question of whether the hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment or if it is your husband’s typical habit to be hurtful or verbally abusive. There is a difference between a couple having an unfortunate fight and exchanging hurtful insults and a marriage where one spouse constantly belittles the other for sport. If you can’t decide which category your marriage falls into, I suggest you ask a counselor or a neutral third party. Sometimes, we get so close to our situation that we can no longer see it objectively.

If you decide that your husband’s words were due to the situation rather than intentionally hurting you, then I can tell you that it is possible to move beyond hurtful interactions. My husband and I were really brutal at times during our separation. And I was as guilty as he was. He hurt me so much that he moved out that I was deliberately cruel because I was just trying to get a reaction out of him. Ultimately though, I made the decision to put aside any anger I had about these conversations because I wanted to move on. I decided to use the conversations to draw a line in the sand to define the kind of marriage I no longer wanted. Sure, no one can go through life without saying something angrily to their spouse, but with effort and time, you can improve your marriage so that more words are said happily than angry.

When your marriage is back on track and you feel loving and protective of your spouse again, those kinds of hurtful conversations don’t come up very often. If the conversations are bothering you, then you can ask for clarification when things calm down and you’re back on solid ground. It would be fair to ask if he really has a problem with your weight or your behavior, but I suspect that if you have this conversation when things are better (or you’ve made up), he’ll say that he only said those things because he was angry at the time.

But to answer the original question, you save your marriage in this scenario by asking yourself what your husband’s intentions were. Once you are satisfied that these hurtful comments are not a habit, work on yourself first and then on your marriage as things settle down and you are able to do so. I know things seem immediate and explosive now, but as time goes on, things tend to settle down so you can communicate more productively and without hurting each other.