Many wives think that if they can get their husband to finally admit to infidelity, they can finally start the healing process, or at least start to move on. But often, once they finally get that admission, they’re not sure what to do next. I heard a wife say, “For a long time, I knew my husband must be cheating on me. All the signs were there and also, I knew in my gut that something was very different and very wrong. But every time I asked my husband about this, he denied it, sometimes he would get very angry and make me seem crazy or paranoid, it was a horrible moment in my life because I began to wonder if I was just imagining things.One day, I decided that I was not going to take it anymore this and I told my husband that I was not going to drop the subject until he finally told me the truth. To my surprise, he finally did. Out of the blue, after months of denials, he finally admitted to having an affair, but said that he didn’t tell me because it was over a long time ago. Even though I had been rehearsing this moment in my head for months, I wasn’t sure what to do. I just left the room and we haven’t broached the subject since. What do I do now? that I finally have an admin ission? Because I’m lost and insecure. I’m disappointed in myself because I feel like I’m not handling this very well.”

The first thing I did was reassure this wife that what she was experiencing was absolutely normal. We all think or assume that we will react in a certain way to a situation, but when the situation is staring us in the face, the answers elude us and, in a sense, we are frozen. It’s like our worst nightmare has suddenly come true. And that’s why there’s absolutely no harm in taking your time getting your bearings, which I’ll discuss below.

Don’t rush or push yourself. Nothing says you need to make a quick decision: There is a lot to consider in this situation, and usually a lot of information and feelings are coming your way at the same time. It’s very easy (and understandable) to feel overwhelmed by these feelings and want some relief. That’s why it can be tempting to feel like you need to make a quick decision. You really don’t. Nothing needs to change overnight. In fact, I would say that you are more likely to make a regrettable decision if you make it when you are in such confusion. Give yourself the luxury of time.

Now sometimes your husband will panic and try to pressure you to forgive him or to share what he might be feeling or considering. There’s nothing wrong with telling him that, right now, you just don’t know. She can tell him that she’ll let him know when and if she has answers, but right now, she’s giving herself time to process what’s happening and where she wants to go from here. You certainly deserve it. And don’t let anyone pressure you into changing this process.

Care more about what you want to happen than about what you or others think should happen: For whatever reason, people seem to feel entirely justified in giving unsolicited opinions to a wife hurt during infidelity. Your friends, your family, your co-workers, and even your husband or her family can feel completely free to give you feedback on what you should do. (This is why I often recommend being very careful who you share this information with.) It can be easy to listen to these people who really care about you. But, the thing is, this is your life. it’s not theirs. Try to worry more about your own thoughts and feelings because you are the one who is going to have to live with the consequences. Live your own truth, not that of others.

Having said that, I have to warn you that your feelings can fluctuate. In a minute, she may want to leave her husband and end their marriage. And the next minute, you may be desperately wanting to figure things out. This is also normal. That is why you should not be in a hurry to make lasting decisions. There is nothing wrong with waiting and observing your husband’s behavior or evaluating her feelings and desires as they arise. And, as she finds that her feelings and desires become more constant and compelling, she can have more confidence that she is making an authentic decision that is not influenced too much by shock and grief.

Reserve the right to reassess as things get better, change, or worse: understand opportunities that may not be immediately obvious: Often it is very difficult to make decisions until you observe and evaluate. In other words, you don’t know at this point if you’re going to go to counseling or if that counseling will work. You cannot foresee how much rehab your husband will undergo or if she will be happy with it. You can’t see how your marriage will look and feel in the future. That’s why it’s perfectly okay to tell yourself that you can make decisions on the fly and receive more information. Your healing will likely not be linear. So give yourself a breather and don’t feel like you’re not making progress when sometimes you are and it’s not evident yet. Just promise yourself to do the things that will bring improvement and relief. And be flexible enough to rule out things that don’t work. If you don’t like your counselor, give yourself permission to find another one or go another way.

I know it may not be obvious right now, but sometimes this is really an opportunity to assess what you want out of your life and to move your marriage forward. And sometimes, this creates lasting, positive change that might not have happened otherwise. Make sure you are kind to yourself. You didn’t ask for this. It’s not your fault. But it’s up to you to get what you need to heal. Sometimes that’s not an easy process, but it’s usually worth it in the end. So, to answer the question posed, I can’t tell you precisely what to do if you have an admission, but I can advise you from experience to take it easy and make your own needs as important as the needs of others. This is often a gradual process that changes and evolves over time. Take it day by day and understand that if you are clear about what you want and need, sometimes you will eventually see some changes that turn out to be really beneficial for you.