Of all the emails I receive from wives struggling to deal with their husband’s affair, the topics of dealing with or confronting the mistress are perhaps the most common. Women want to know if they should try to find out who this woman is, if they should confront her, if they should talk to her when she keeps calling, or if they can believe anything she says or does. Many also want to know the best way to get back at her. Some even want to appeal to her sense of decency, hoping to convince her to leave her husband alone. (Hint: she’s already shown that she has no decency at all. Negotiating with her is a waste of time.) In the next article, I’ll tell you what I usually tell my readers about a husband’s mistress.

Why having anything to do with your husband’s mistress is almost always bad: Almost without fail, the wives who report their interactions with the other woman are completely dissatisfied with the way things turned out. More often than not, meeting her raises more questions than answers. In reality, it only makes you feel worse and more frustrated. Many times, she will paint the husband as the one who started it all, while she is the innocent one. She will give you the version of the story that paints her in the most flattering light. However, this version is often not accurate.

Sometimes wives want to see what it looks like, only to find out that it’s not at all what you envisioned. This only makes processing all of this more impossible. Because, the only one who can define why her husband continued with her and what her husband saw in her is her own husband. Most of the time, wives seek this information from the wrong person. The mistress knows nothing of your life or your objections. In truth, she is and she must remain a stranger to you. By allowing him into your life, you are giving him TOO much power over you.

Whether you want to save your marriage or not, you must not allow the mistress into your life:If you want to save your marriage, you want to get this woman out of your life immediately, not let her in. Your best case scenario is to banish her completely and completely. You do not want you or her spouse to think about or interact with her. And, this is the opposite of what she wants. In order for her to be successful, she needs to position herself in her world. She needs to have strong control over her husband and her life. Fight her to the end if you want to save your marriage. Communicating with her, confronting her, or seeking revenge are all ways to give her “in.” Resist this at all costs.

If you’re going to walk away from marriage, you still have to walk away from her. Because? Because even if you know they deserve each other, you can’t have the constant memory of pain and betrayal. You want to allow yourself to heal and she is not part of that equation. Her healing is going to depend on her ability to put this behind her. You can’t do that if you are constantly in contact with her or if you have to deal with her. Close the door immediately, Hit her right in the face. She doesn’t deserve to ease her conscience or satisfy her curiosity about what’s wrong with you.

When you win and she loses: What the lady does not want is for you to remain whole. Even if she hadn’t initially set out to hurt anyone, she knew that her actions would have consequences. However, she went ahead anyway. She has drawn a line in the sand. Some wives will tell me, “well, she won. She has my husband. I’m the stranger.” This makes me cringe when I hear this. Because really, the only way she wins is if you let her. If you want to take your husband away from her, take him back. If they deserve each other, great, let them go. But, respect and love yourself enough to get through this. Don’t allow it to keep hurting and weakening you.

Truly, you are the winner when you don’t let this beat you. Statistically, most men who cheat return to their wives or at least eventually end the affair. Your husband will see her as a mistake eventually. And when she does, she’ll be all the more devastated if she wallows in her own misery all by herself, without your husband and without your witness. What she doesn’t want is your happiness. She absolutely makes sure she has that, whether she ends up with her husband or not. So, you’ve won and she’s lost. All she has is regret and loneliness that both you and her husband have gone ahead and left her in the dust.