Empaths are more than empaths. Like a highly sensitive HSP person, they are very attuned to the stimuli and emotions and energy of other people, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They can be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let’s first consider some definitions. A PAS has a rich inner life and a deep sensitivity of the central nervous system to physical, emotional or social stimuli. So a PAS can also be an empath, but encompasses more attributes. A codependent is someone whose feelings, thoughts, and actions revolve around another person.

Empaths and codependency

A codependent does not need to be an empath and an empath does not need to be a codependent. Some people justify or glorify their codependency by the fact that they are empathic; however, codependency is something very specific. Your focus may revolve around another person, without really empathizing with what that person is experiencing. Codependents can do that to find out the other person’s mood and then assess how to react and like them. They may not know or care about their own feelings or what the other person is feeling; especially if their behavior is causing them pain; for example, due to addiction, abuse, or if the person is emotionally unavailable.

In contrast, an empath can tune in to someone else’s feelings, but also be quite aware of their own and not change their behavior to manipulate the situation. They may express affection or offer help, but they also have firm limits to protect themselves and not overextend themselves. They may also find that the other person is not ready for or does not want help. If they feel insecure or abused, they can leave the person to protect themselves. In other words, an empath may have healthy boundaries and may not necessarily put the other person’s well-being above their own.

Empaths often become healers and have to learn to protect their energy field so as not to absorb negative energy from people in their personal and professional relationships. He was empathic and HSP as a kid, but didn’t know it. From a very young age I became very interested in the psyche and dreams and then I had psychic experiences. Looking back, there were signs of being sensitive to loud noises, pungent smells, nylons and rough fabric, and the energy and feelings of other people. Although I was not shy, I now understand why I preferred nature to cities and disliked shopping malls and crowds, preferring small shops, intimate gatherings, and sitting in front of class and along the aisle in theaters.

I was also codependent. Having had a controlling and narcissistic mother, my voice and my real, authentic self were crushed. I learned to ignore my feelings and needs and to accommodate those of other people in close relationships. Naturally, I was considered “too” sensitive.

Abusive relationships

Codependent empaths have the dual problem of weak boundaries and disconnection from themselves, while being highly sensitive to other people. They are vulnerable to abuse for several reasons:

They seek love and intimacy, but shame makes it difficult to receive

They feel the suffering of the abuser and may mistake it for love.

They are very understanding, which fuels their denial of the abuse.

They are very forgiving, so please excuse the abuse.

They are harder on themselves, so blame themselves for other people’s feelings and actions.

Your denial fuels your inclination to give and wait endlessly for someone to change.

They minimize their own needs and feelings.

They are introspective, find fault and try to improve themselves,

They are sponges of negative energy and they may not realize that it is coming from the other person.

Due to weak limits, they are not protected.

They absorb shame and criticism from abusers, due to their poor boundaries.

Naturally, they want to help and heal people who are suffering, especially people with problems.

They focus on the needs of other people and give abusers and narcissists the attention they love.

Needy addicts and people with personality disorders, such as narcissists, are drawn to empaths out of love, understanding, and care to help them with their suffering.

Empaths can be drawn into sympathy for addicts and people with borderline personality disorders who pretend to be victims with stories of distress. They then feel responsible and cannot leave because their ill partners behave in such needy and dependent ways, sometimes threatening suicide or self-destructive behavior, while affirming how important empathy is to them.

Empaths and recovery from codependency

The codependency recovery work has allowed me to empathize with myself and with others without giving up my needs and desires. Regaining the lost connection with myself, I no longer tolerate drama, I move on to get along, and I feel comfortable setting boundaries with other people.

Recovery stepsinclude:

Reconnect with yourself.

Identify your feelings and needs.

Honor them.

Learn to express yourself and get to know them.

Learn to set limits.

Develop skills for self-love, self-esteem and self-rearing.

Do the exercises to overcome shame, the self-love meditation and learn to be assertive and to stand up for yourself.

© 2021 DarleneLancer