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I often hear from panicked wives who tell me they’re not sure how to proceed when their husband has asked for “space” or some “time apart.” She worries that giving him this space will result in her deciding that she likes him and wants more in the form of a separation or divorce. Therefore, it can be very tempting to try to dissuade him or convince him that he is wrong. However, from my own experience, I feel that this strategy may be a bad idea. I’ll tell you why in the next article.
Sometimes if you deny your husband time apart, he will want it even more or take it anyway: If you show your hand or express fear and pressure, you run the real risk that your husband will return the pressure and become even more convinced that this is just what he wants. In short, she’ll dig in on her heels and suddenly she won’t accept anything less. Worse yet, sometimes when you’re arguing this point so much that it’s causing her stress, she’ll just walk away from the situation and take her time without further discussion.
It is often a bad idea to take the side that opposes your husband. You want her to know that you want her to be happy and you want to help her get what she wants to make it happen. But if he debates what he thinks he needs, he’s likely to think that you’re the one standing in the way of his happiness. Once this happens, he potentially sees you as something he may need to get rid of in order to be happy. This is the last thing you want.
Cooperating with your request for space, while having control over how you achieve it: For many reasons, I feel it is best to appear cooperative with your request for some time alone. This makes you seem like his ally and helps ensure that he won’t limit his contact with you. However, just because you cooperate doesn’t mean you want to leave everything to chance.
You may want to suggest that he take the space while you are the one staying with friends for a while. This gives you a greater ability to control the process. He’s getting what he asked for, but you don’t have to worry about finding a way to get him back. Not all husbands will agree with this, but some will.
If this doesn’t work, then the next step would be to try to establish some understanding of how the separation time is going to work. You don’t want to push so hard that he wants to avoid the topic altogether, but you could ask how often you’ll communicate and how he anticipates the process will work out logistically.
Using free time to your advantage: His perception of you while taking time off is very important. Because while he (or you) is away, he will be thinking about you and the relationship. He is going to be exploring if he is happy with you or without you. You want to make sure that his impression of you is favorable.
To that end, you certainly want to give him something to work with. When he thinks of you, it is not convenient for you if he imagines a depressed, sad and desperate person who walks from one place to another waiting for his call. Instead, you want him to know (or at least suspect) that he’s getting along, that he’s staying positive, and that he’s using the time to work on yourself and figure out what he wants.
That’s why it’s so important to be and sound upbeat and positive when you interact with him. You want to show confidence and the knowledge that the two of you are right for each other and can certainly work this out. Yes, this is a little bit to allow him to see what you want him to see, but it’s usually worth it in the end because you can both get what you want.
I hope it is now obvious that, in my opinion and experience, the best thing you can do when your husband asks for space is to freely offer that space, but only after you have a careful plan that will work in your favor.
