The pain of grief is there for all losses, be it spouse or lover. An association transcends labels and roles and the couple is paramount when there is a strong bond. Regardless of what the relationship is called, the pain of loss requires healing. In life, we can be exposed to small losses several times before a major loss occurs. We “deal with it” and even understand it to a small degree. However, we are not educated in loss or prepared for it in life, so when we experience a major loss, it can be devastating.

When we love and lose someone, whether they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, we are overwhelmed with grief and sadness. However, when our relationship is outside of the mainstream, we may have already been so criticized and saddened, that in this final loss, we find it much more difficult to grieve, heal, and move on to a satisfying new life.

No one can fully understand another’s pain. We can meet on the common paths and share our experiences and progress, and although there is healing in the act of sharing, we still feel alone in our sadness. What touches us in a positive way is when we feel understood. The loneliness of loss and alienation affects us deeply at the level of our souls.

Grieving the loss of a partner in a non-traditional relationship can be an additional burden if there is little support from family or the wider community. Such relationships may have been less approved of, or in the case of a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender couple, even kept secret. If the immediate family does not approve of this relationship, they have trouble providing support. In fact, they may not understand, but they may also be angry about the relationship. The reality is that experiences outside of the mainstream are harder to understand and accept when they are not “your experience.”

Parents who have accepted their unconventional children, who love and support them, do not have to understand everything. His love is a platform of support. However, with that said, joining a traditional support group may not be seen as a viable option because there is no common ground. Grieving parents want to meet other grieving parents. Adult children who are grieving want a group with others like them.

Widows/widowers prefer to be with other widows/widowers although there are similarities, there are many differences. People want a good match, the compatibility that comes with shared understanding and similarities. People who are gay don’t see a conventional support group as important support for themselves because “they won’t get it.” People want a match for their experience; they want to know that they can feel understood and loved and not judged or ridiculed. They will leave the main complaint support groups that do not accept them.

The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center
Established in 1983, the New York-based Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center has grown to become the largest LGBT multi-service organization on the East Coast and the second largest LGBT community center in the world.

Doneley Meris, MA, CT (Master’s in Grief Counseling; Certified Thanatologist/Death Educator) is your Outreach and Education Team Leader, Center CARE. According to Meris, grieving and healing challenges for the LGBT community depend on LGBT-sensitive and inclusive grievance-focused support groups. Major cities have been able to address this concern by facilitating support groups, but Middle America still needs to bring this unique service to the LGBT community, which is a significant challenge as religion, morality, and politics often get in the way. . Meris maintains a grief psychotherapy practice in New York City, where the focus of her work is primarily addressing the challenges of the grieving LGBT community(ies).

“Today’s LGBT community continues to face discrimination in the most common venues for (bereavement) services,” says Meris. “When you add HIV/AIDS to the mix, sexual orientation and the stigma associated with AIDS become significant barriers to the comfort level, trust and safety of LGBT people seeking to participate in service programs that are not are sensitive or identified as LGBT Second, there are many institutions that provide grievance services that have not had sufficient and realistic training to work with the grieving LGBT population.

“Special sensitivity and humanity is required of any service professional to effectively advance the healing process of this unique group of people. The great elephant of homophobia and heterosexism, even in death, must be addressed to be effective in the provision of quality complaints services.

However, according to Meris, complaint counseling is provided in many places. “The Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) has been very actively engaging and encouraging funeral homes, hospital chaplains, hospices, churches, HIV/AIDS service agencies and other organizations community and mental health organizations to incorporate bereavement services, particularly for LGBT people, into their service delivery. Several websites have sprung up that address the unique grievance challenges of the LGBT community.”

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