I think depending on who you’re talking to, you’re going to get a different take on who was the persecutor in the matter. Sometimes the other woman’s family and friends assume that the husband was the aggressor in the affair. Sometimes the other man’s wife will assume that it was the other woman who initiated the inappropriate contact.

Let’s say you were going to find out about the other woman’s husband. You may hear a comment like, “I’m pretty sure the other man would have had to cheat on my wife to get her to cheat on me. We have a wonderful family life. My wife is very conservative and she’s the kind of woman who rarely does anything.” something wrong or dishonest. She’s the kind of person who would handle lost and found if she found a dollar bill on the floor, even if she was already in a hurry. So I think the other man must have given her some wacky song and dance to tempt her to cheat. What must he have told her to make her cheat?

I even hear variations on this from the faithful wife at times. An example is: “I know the other woman in the church. I was very surprised when I found out that she was the one my husband had cheated on me with. I can’t imagine how my husband would have gotten her to cheat on him. He must have said something to her.” horrible about his life or about me. What kind of claims does a husband have to make to get a perfectly nice wife to cheat on him?

It is not always the husband who is the instigator, although sometimes he is: I will respond to both of these concerns in a moment. But, before doing so, I must tell you that it is a mistake to always assume that the aggressor is the man. This is sometimes the case, but it is definitely not always the case. There are times when it is the other woman who persecutes her husband. And there are times when neither of you is chasing. They just find themselves in an unplanned situation where they are together.

I’m certainly not trying to defend anyone here. I was the faithful husband, so it’s not my inclination to defend people who cheat. I know it sounds so silly to hear a cheating spouse say “no one planned it. But it just happened.” Sometimes, however, they are really telling you the truth as they see it when they make this statement.

When the cheating husband lies so that the other woman cheats on them: With all that said, sometimes the cheating husband paints a false picture when an affair begins. I hear from many husbands in this situation and sometimes I hear from the “other woman” as well. It is often clear that the husband will paint the picture of a cold relationship that is a marriage in name only. Some married men will actually claim to be separated when they are anything but separated.

He will also tell you that your marriage is in trouble when the wife could certainly tell you a different story. He might tell her that he is considering a separation or divorce when the wife hasn’t heard about it. And he may tell you that he no longer sleeps with his wife when he definitely does. Finally, many women who are the “other woman” have told me that the man didn’t even tell her that he was married. He introduced himself as a single man.

Why people would sometimes prefer to stay in the dark: This is fairly common knowledge. Most people know that men and women can and do say what they need to say to get what they want. And yet, women fall for this all the time. They believe what the husband tells them because they want to believe it. And honestly, they have reasons why they want to stay in the dark. In reality, both the husband and the other woman have very powerful reasons for operating outside of reality.

If both parties know that this man is betraying a loyal and loving wife and has a family that he is still a part of, then it is much more difficult to justify and carry out the deception. But if you think that he is single or separated, or that he is married but living in a troubled marriage that may end soon, then it is easier to go ahead and start a relationship.

Again, having said all this, I think it may be a mistake to assume that it is always the man or the husband who is the aggressor. It definitely isn’t. The other woman is sometimes the pursuer. And sometimes, neither side actively pursues the other. But the matter happens anyway.